


To Live

by cousmiclatte



Category: The Boyz (Korea Band)
Genre: Anxiety, Blood, Breaking Up & Making Up, Heavy Angst, M/M, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-03
Updated: 2020-06-03
Packaged: 2021-03-03 23:54:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,402
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24524176
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cousmiclatte/pseuds/cousmiclatte
Summary: when one couldn't bear the damage the other did to themselves, he had to choose to stay or let go.
Relationships: Ji Changmin | Q/Lee Juyeon
Comments: 8
Kudos: 75





	To Live

**Author's Note:**

> i tried to write this carefully so please read wisely <3  
> check tags before reading!

Juyeon loved Changmin. A lot. But if the one he cared so much about kept hurting himself, Juyeon couldn’t help but feeling tired. It was getting tiring, it drained his energy every time Changmin was lost in his thoughts, feeling anxious and worthless.

It happened so suddenly, like in the middle of their quality time Changmin would sob silently while Juyeon cuddling him. He would ramble about how he didn’t deserve anyone, anything. Hitting his head repeatedly with his own fists. And when that happened Juyeon would crush him into his embrace, trying his best to suppress any negative thoughts coming from his boyfriend. It worked, at first. But hugs and kisses barely did their job anymore lately.

Juyeon knew that keeping Changmin and their relationship was like a ticking bomb, ready to destroy him and both of them anytime. But he didn’t know why it was so hard to let go. There was always a slight hint of regret if he did it. He didn’t even know if he had choices.

“Let’s end this.”

That night. When the accumulated feelings reached its limit, ready to spill all over. Juyeon spitted out the three words, but his voice was quiet. It was almost like his subconsciousness did the job and not himself. He didn’t dare to look straight at Changmin, he didn’t want to see the pain in his eyes. Or he would take back everything he said.

“Why…” Juyeon could hear Changmin’s voice trembled. He cursed himself.

Juyeon rubbed his face feeling exhausted, sighing heavily before answering. “Changmin, I can’t do this anymore. I’m sorry.”

And then Changmin realized. Juyeon was tired. Just like everyone around him. And he couldn’t blame Juyeon. So that night after Juyeon left him, Changmin cried so badly. He thought that at least this one would stay. He wanted Juyeon to stay, but he was wrong. He had nothing to hold on anymore. It was like his life was pushing him off the cliff, and no one was there to pull him back. He was falling into the darkness. Dreadful and alone.

Changmin clenched his fists, his nails digging so deep into his palms. His breath was uneven. And he started rambling.

“Sorry… I’m sorry…” He slowly pounded his head to the surface of the table. Each pounding getting harder as his head felt dizzy. He needed this, he needed the pain. He deserved the pain because he couldn’t even keep the one that he treasured so much close to him. He made them leave and he hated himself so much for that.

Changmin felt thick liquid dripping down his forehead before he went unconscious.

* * *

Couldn’t say Juyeon had it easier. In fact, the thought of leaving Changmin alone kept adding burden to his shoulders. But he couldn’t go back to fix everything. What was there to fix? The only thing he could do was moving on with his life.

Three months wasn’t short period of time for Juyeon to do things that he couldn’t do before. He started meeting people and even dated someone for a while. Hyunjae took care of him so much like Juyeon thought that he never had that kind of treatment before. He had always been the one taking care others, so it felt nice actually when someone treated you back. Simple things like buying foods, walking around the town, movie dates, or just late night talks.

It was all nice, but sadly Juyeon’s mind kept going back to Changmin. How did it feel to do those things with him? He wondered if Changmin was doing okay, or if he was eating well, and resting well. Did he still bite on his nails whenever he was feeling anxious, did he still hit his head when his negative thoughts came over him, did he still hurt himself? Juyeon wondered if there was someone taking care of him if it wasn’t himself.

Of course there were Chanhee and Kevin. They would check up on Changmin once in a while to keep Juyeon updated if he asked about Changmin’s condition. But seemed like Changmin was getting worse each day.

“Maybe I shouldn’t leave him like that.” Juyeon voiced out, regret gushing over him once again.

Chanhee clicked his tongue, annoyed at the same phrase that his friend always brought up.

“Now what? You wanna go back to him? And being miserable together?” Chanhee rolled his eyes. “Let me tell you. At this point he doesn’t want to live. He just wants to wait until his life got taken over from him.”

Kevin had to push his friend’s arm with his elbow, signaling him to stop which the other responded by raising his eyebrows.

“What? I’m right! Just look at how many bottles of alcohol he consumed every night. I had to clean them up and-“

“Chanhee.” Kevin stopped him from ranting, bobbing his head at Juyeon’s direction. Chanhee let out a heavy sigh, not gonna lie his heart broke to see two of his best friends had to go through something like this. Like they both deserved happiness, but being together wasn’t the answer to their toxic relationship.

“Changmin drinks now?” Juyeon’s question sounded more like a sad realization. “He never drank when we were together. At least when he was with me.”

Kevin knew Juyeon was blaming himself for this, so he spoke up. “You may be feeling bad for breaking up with him now, but you have to know that you also have the right to do it. If the relationship isn’t healthy anymore, cut it off or else both of you will end up getting hurt.”

“But he has it worse than me, right?” Juyeon gazed at his friends. “At least I still have a normal life. But Changmin… Changmin only got himself.”

Chanhee pressed the bridge of his nose before talking again. “Listen, Juyeon. I know you want to help him, oh we all do. I swear to God. I will never give up on Changmin no matter how stubborn he is. But you need to know that your feelings also matter.”

It wasn’t like Juyeon didn’t try. He did ask Changmin to seek some help. After many trials Changmin finally complied, but he stopped going after the second visit. Changmin didn’t even eat his pills properly, he would secretly flush them into the closet when Juyeon wasn’t looking.

“You can’t help someone who doesn’t want to get helped, Juyeon. Also help only when you are ready to help.”

Chanhee’s last sentence stuck on his head. He went home that night thinking about the decision that he would take.

* * *

Trying to live day by day was such a hard thing to do, but for Changmin the nights were especially the hardest. When his thoughts started going around places and by then he would feel anxious again. Not gonna lie Juyeon’s hug helped him sometimes, not much but still capable to hold him back from doing things that he shouldn’t do. Changmin didn’t feel like going home tonight, he would prefer staying outside in the cold and freezing. It didn’t sound that bad. Maybe at least his mind would be occupied by the wind that prickling on his skin. But he still went home, though. He didn’t need Chanhee’s excessive calling when the guy found out that he wasn’t home by the time his friend reached his place to check on him.

Changmin was in the middle of preparing himself to shower when he heard Chanhee’s voice at the front door, entering Changmin’s apartment and shutting the door with a little bit too much force before removing his shoes. All that he did while grumbling about how messy Changmin’s place was.

“Changmin?” he finally called for his friend.

“Yeah?” Changmin answered slowly inside the bathroom.

“Are you taking a bath? Did you go out?”

Silence.

“Yes I did.”

“Where?” Chanhee asked while entering the kitchen, throwing away the empty bottles scattered on the table and checking if Changmin still had food supplies.

Changmin sat on the edge of his bathtub, playing with his fingers.

“Just around here.”

“I told you not to go out at night alone. You can call me or Kevin.”

_But I don’t wanna be a burden._ Changmin didn’t say it out loud.

After cleaning Changmin’s kitchen and putting some frozen foods to fill the refrigerator, Chanhee walked past Changmin’s room. His friend was still in the bathroom. He pulled out his phone from his pocket and turned on his screen to check the time.

“Changmin, I need to go now. I put some foods and milks, okay? Drink the milk!” Chanhee exclaimed. “Not the alcohol.”

There was no answer for a good minute.

“Changmin?” Chanhee called.

“…Yes, I will.” The sound was faint but at least Chanhee still could hear it. “Thank you, Chanhee.”

“Mhm, I’ll come back tomorrow with Kevin.”

Changmin heard the slam of his front door and then everything was silent again.

* * *

It was just five minutes away from Changmin’s place that Chanhee realized he left his wallet there. Good thing he wasn’t too far so he turned his heels back to his friend’s place. Pushing the front door, Chanhee calling Changmin’s name and excused himself to grab his wallet from the table.

There was no answer so Chanhee thought that Changmin was asleep already. He stared at the closed door of Changmin’s room and he didn’t know why he had this urge to check inside. And so he did. Carefully he turned the doorknob and let his head peeked inside the room. The bed was empty. Chanhee quickly moved his gaze to the bathroom door, wondering that his friend probably still there.

“Changmin?”

Chanhee called slowly as he made steps towards the bathroom. No sound whatsoever just a hint of dripping water from the shower. Chanhee brought his knuckle to knock on the door.

“Changmin? Are you still in there?”

Still no answer. This suddenly made Chanhee anxious so he grabbed the knob and slammed the door open.

Changmin was there, in the bathtub. Full clothed and eyes closed. Chanhee braved himself to step closer and by the time he reached beside the bathtub, he let out a gasp covering his mouth with both hands.

The water had turned red.

* * *

12.09 am.

Juyeon broke through chilly night air, fists deep inside his pockets. His steps were long and quick, his breath was short. Inside his mind it was just a single name. Changmin, Changmin, Changmin.

He was just staying up late doing his tasks when he got a call from Kevin. It was unusual of him so he quickly picked it up and the words coming from Kevin made him drop his pen he was holding. His mind just went blank for a few seconds before Kevin’s voice brought him back to reality.

_Changmin attempted suicide._

Juyeon bit his lip when he found a familiar figure in front of him.

Kevin noticed Juyeon’s arrival and he quickly ran to him.

“Juyeon.” He grabbed his friend’s arm.

“Where is he?” Juyeon asked with a demanding tone. “Is he okay?”

Kevin moved his hands, asking Juyeon to calm down. “Take a seat first.”

“Where is Changmin?” Juyeon ignored Kevin’s plead to calm down and pushed him aside, his eyes caught on Chanhee who was sitting not too far from him. Juyeon quickly approached his friend who had his head deep to his knees, shoulders trembling from so much crying.

“Chanhee.” Juyeon called in wary.

Noticing the familiar voice, Chanhee blinked his eyes. He then slowly lifted up his head to look at his friend. The restless from his eyes, his face that just screamed worries. Chanhee couldn’t help but to hug Juyeon.

“I’m sorry, Juyeon. I’m sorry.” Chanhee cried on Juyeon’s shoulder. And Juyeon freaking hate it. He didn’t want apology. Why would Chanhee apologize to him?

“He’s okay, right?” Juyeon’s voice wavered. “Changmin is okay, right? Chanhee?”

Chanhee could only shake his head. He whispered, “I don’t know. I… don’t know.”

Juyeon let out a heavy sigh upon Chanhee’s reply. He could feel his friend was also scared he was literally trembling, so Juyeon finally brought his arms to embrace Chanhee.

“He will be okay… he will.”

Juyeon didn’t know if he was actually comforting Chanhee, or himself.

It took them almost two hours when the doctor finally came out from the room and how Juyeon could finally breathe again when they said Changmin survived. Juyeon losing the strength of his muscles and dropped his knees to the ground.

* * *

White. Clouds. Children running around and laughing. Birds chirping between the trees. And the scent of flowers.

Then water. A drop of blood dripping on the surface, soon the water went dark. It was suffocating, couldn’t breathe, so much pain.

Changmin opened his eyes. His gaze blurry, he wasn’t sure what happened and where he was. His head hurt so much it was almost difficult to breathe.

“Changmin?”

He recognized the voice near him. Turning his head to meet the owner of the voice, Changmin choked up a sob.

“Kev-”

Kevin went hugging him so tight. His friend cried. “Thank God, Thank God you’re still here…”

Changmin couldn’t form a word. His tears fell to see his friend broke down in front of him like that.

“How are you feeling?” Kevin asked after wiping his own tears, caressing Changmin’s arm.

His mind finally did a flashback. How he stayed inside the bathtub after Chanhee left, he just felt so empty that night and he needed to do something. He couldn’t bear the emptiness. Grazing his wrist with the sharp thing that he held with his trembling hand, Changmin wished all of this would end.

But here he was, still breathing and alive. What the hell was he supposed to do now?

The door pushed open and someone entered the room. Kevin and Changmin looked at who just came and by the time the person locked eyes with Changmin, he froze on his spot.

Kevin cleared his throat before speaking. “Changmin, I think I need to go now. I’ll return with Chanhee later, alright?”

Changmin just nodded at Kevin subconsciously, not fully comprehending what his friend said. Kevin finally left Changmin’s side after giving him a comforting pat. He walked past the visitor, tapping his shoulder and went out the room.

The two people inside the room just exchanged gaze for a few moments before one of them finally taking steps closer to reach Changmin’s side.

“Changmin…”

“Why…” Changmin found it so hard to speak, there was lump in his throat. “Why are you here?”

Juyeon could feel the stab inside his chest when the smaller threw him the question. His heart ached so much. But he knew he deserved Changmin’s anger, it was just heartbreaking to see someone he treasured so much to be in this state.

“Changmin…” Juyeon carefully reached Changmin’s hand which the other didn’t try to resist. He grasped Changmin’s hand in his large ones, caressing it softly and he could feel the smaller was shaking. Juyeon didn’t know what to say actually. He wanted to say sorry, but for whatever reason it just felt useless.

“Do you need water?” Juyeon tried to find a topic. He grabbed a glass of water from the table beside Changmin’s bed, removing the lid and handing closer to Changmin.

Carefully Changmin took the glass from Juyeon’s hand but he didn’t immediately drink it, he just kept staring at his blanket. Feeling worried Juyeon asked him again if he needed anything.

“Juyeon.” Changmin finally called him. “I want to be alone.”

“But I want to stay with you.”

“No.”

“Changmin.”

Juyeon took back the glass from Changmin’s grasp before slowly pulling Changmin to his embrace. He wrapped his arms around Changmin’s small figure, his mind going back to the memories of almost losing Changmin and it scared him to death.

Holding Changmin close to him he didn’t want to let go, it felt like he was going to lose him in a blink of eye if he didn’t keep him close.

“Don’t,” Juyeon spoke. “Don’t do that again. Please.”

Changmin felt something warm seeping through the fabric of his shirt. Juyeon cried on his shoulder. And he never felt so terrible more than anything. He was mad at himself, ashamed for attempting something dumb, and still alive. He made people around him miserable, he wished he just died then. Everything was more difficult now, how should he continue with his life?

Juyeon cradled Changmin’s face in his palms, wiping the tears that he didn’t realize has shed with his thumb. All that he did with so much tenderness, like his touch would hurt the other even a little.

“Why are you doing this?” Changmin whispered ever so softly, almost unheard.

“Because I care about you. I care so much about you, Changmin. You make me sick worried and I don’t want to lose you.”

Changmin didn’t know if Juyeon said it merely because he almost died or that he really cared. He didn’t know. He wasn’t sure what to believe anymore, where to hold on. He was blind and he was living in darkness, trying to find a grip. But he was tired, so tired. It would be easier to just go away. Vanished into dust in the thin air. Maybe it was hard at first for some people, feeling the guilty for not being able to save one’s life. But everyone would move on, everything would be fine again. Right?

* * *

That night Chanhee came hugging Changmin so tight and never let go. He kept blaming himself and rambling that he would lose him if he didn’t find him sooner. Once again Changmin made everyone feeling bad, and he hate himself even more.

Chanhee voluntered to stay with Changmin all night, but Juyeon just told him to go home. Yeah, Juyeon staying at the hospital. Changmin didn’t exchange words with him again since hours ago, but Juyeon was still taking care of him. Feeding him, helping him when he needed to go to the bathroom. The doctor said Changmin had to stay for a few days because he was still unstable and would be admitted to psychiatric unit. And Juyeon asked to accompany him.

“Now go to sleep.” Juyeon pulled the blanket up to Changmin’s chin, patting his head softly. “I’ll be here if you need anything.”

Changmin glanced to see Juyeon’s back going to the couch in the corner of the room, and directing his gaze back to the ceiling when Juyeon sat there. The room was dark, the only light was from the street lights creeping through the window. Juyeon left the curtains open on purpose. Because Changmin had always liked looking at the sky.

It was so silent even the ticking sound from the clock on the wall sounded so clear to the ears. Each ticking sounded louder and louder, Changmin felt anxious again. His mind started thinking about scenarios and they were too loud. He hit his head repeatedly to make it stop.

Juyeon noticed the shadow in the dark so he immediately got his back up from the couch.

“Changmin? Are you okay?”

There was no answer, only a stretch of hand to Juyeon’s direction. Changmin asked him to come.

“Hey.” Juyeon held the smaller hand, brought it close to his chest. “What’s wrong?”

“Help…” The voice was faint, Juyeon had to lower his head to listen. “Stay.”

Changmin asked him to stay, he was probably having negative thoughts again. So Juyeon got himself up to settle beside Changmin, hugging him from the side. Changmin turned himself to face Juyeon, snuggling up to his embrace. It felt like… home.

Minutes passed. Juyeon could feel Changmin’s breath against his neck. Small things like knowing Changmin was still there secured him so much. If he could he wanted to keep Changmin close to him so he could feel his breath, keeping him on check that he was still there and alive.

“Juyeon…”

Changmin’s call was small and soft. But Juyeon caught it quick.

“Hm?”

“Sorry.”

Juyeon kept patting the back of Changmin’s head. “You did nothing wrong.”

“I did. I made everyone worried for something useless.”

The taller stopped his movement, he brought Changmin’s head to his chest hugging him tight. He kissed the top of his head, whispering between his hairs. “You’re not useless. You never were, never are. They’re worried because you mean so much to them.”

Changmin finally broke a sob, he gripped onto Juyeon’s shirt. “I want this to end, Juyeon. I want this to stop.”

“Then let me help you.” Juyeon whispered to his ear, he pulled back to see Changmin’s face. “If you want to end this all, just let me help you. What you did, wasn’t the only way to stop all of this.”

Changmin kept crying Juyeon had to cup his face and shush him, kissing his tears away.

“I want to help you, we all want to help you Changmin. Now, would you want to help yourself?”

He realized. He had been taking everyone for granted. Chanhee who always scolded him but still checking up on him everyday, Kevin who always tried to push aside his priority to focus on him first, and Juyeon who had always been there since day one, until he got tired. But he was still here lending his arms and ears. He was still willing to help, Changmin took him for granted. He was busy focusing on himself. Ignoring the hands that reaching out to drag him out of the dark.

“If you can’t find a reason for yourself, then can you try to live for me?” Juyeon asked carefully. “Please live for me, until you find your own reason to continue the day, and the day after.”

Slowly but surely Changmin nodded his head.

“Help me, Juyeon.” He asked. “Please help me, I want to live.”

Juyeon pulled him back in, engulfing the smaller in his arms. That night was probably the first in a long time Changmin could sleep in peace.

* * *

A whole week Changmin spent doing the therapy with Juyeon keeping him accompanied. He never left for once, he wanted to make Changmin sure that he would always be by his side. He also noticed the smiles that gradually forming on Changmin’s face each day. How he missed those smiles, and those laughs that he fell in love with like the first time they met. Slowly he was seeing the boy he used to know. Changmin who was always bright and cheerful, who brought positivity to the people around him. Finally Juyeon found his boy back and he would bring him home.

“Juyeon, please. Don’t be too worried.” Chanhee said for the nth times. “There are me and Kevin, also you will only go for a day. Changmin will be okay, right?”

Changmin just smiled and nodding his head listening to his friend’s ranting. He was finally home but still needed to do check up every few days. Juyeon decided to return to Changmin’s place, as he didn’t want to leave him again.

Juyeon bid Chanhee a goodbye after helping them with Changmin’s stuffs. He went back inside and walked closer to Changmin who was busy looking through papers scattered on the table. He wrapped his arms around Changmin from the back, resting his chin on the smaller’s shoulder.

“You will start writing again?” Juyeon asked, following Changmin reading to his old poems. He really liked Changmin’s poems, but he stopped writing long ago. That’s why he was happy that Changmin would start writing again.

“I think I kinda lose my touch. I don’t know how I could write all of these back then.” Changmin chuckled.

Juyeon placed a soft kiss on Changmin’s temple. “You will get the hang of it again. You’ve always been good.”

“Juyeon.” Changmin called after a moment of silence.

“Yeah?”

“I know your birthday is just two days left, but can I have something?” Changmin turned his face to look at Juyeon which the other responded with a tilt of head.

“I want to raise a puppy.”

“A puppy?”

Changmin nodded repeatedly. “You’ve always wanted one, right?”

Juyeon hummed, tapping his chin with his finger. “Sure, it sounds great. Let’s talk about it after I get home tomorrow, how is it?”

“Okay!” Changmin couldn’t help to land a kiss on Juyeon’s cheek, making the other smile.

* * *

“Promise me you’ll be okay.”

Changmin swore Juyeon had said it for at least ten times that morning, and he still replied.

“I promise.” He helped Juyeon with his neck tie, dusting off his shirt.

“And remember-“

“You’ll be home tomorrow morning, we’re gonna talk about the puppy and then celebrate your birthday.” Changmin finished the sentence for him, feeling proud of himself.

“Also-“

“Tell Chanhee or Kevin if I need anything. Got it!”

Juyeon exhaled shortly, he took a step forward to hug Changmin. “I’ll be back in no time, without you even knowing.”

Changmin hit his arm playfully. “Don’t worry, I’m going to be fine. You trust me, right?”

The taller nodded his head. “I trust you. And don’t forget your pills.”

Changmin gave him an okay sign before pushing him to the door.

“Now quick you don’t want to miss your flight! And come back safely!”

Before really leaving Juyeon gave him a last kiss and waved him goodbye.

* * *

Luckily Juyeon wasn’t too worried when he reached the other town to do some of his things. He sent messages to Changmin informing that he had arrived safely which was replied quickly by the other. Changmin sent him pictures of his poems attempt. Juyeon scrolled through the pictures, papers spread out on the table. Some of them filled with handwriting, scratches here and there. And some of them just Changmin trying to draw something out of boredom. He showed Juyeon a doodle of him which the object of the drawing saw as a guy with arms longer than legs. Changmin typed in laughing emojis when Juyeon complained about the drawing.

The discussion lasted longer than Juyeon expected. He arrived at his staying place almost late at night. After cleaning himself he finally had the time to rest his back on his bed. He checked his phone and found many chats from Changmin, he tapped it open immediately.

_[pills for morning: done!]_

_[chanhee came without being invited sighs you can stop worrying now]_

_[and now we have kevin too??]_

_[did you ask them to come?]_

_[sorry got busy with chanhee and kevin but I’ve eaten the pills. Are you still busy?]_

_[thank God they already left \o/]_

_[almost bed time but you should be here beside me]_

_[lol I sounded like a kid. Hope everything goes well there!]_

_[I love you!]_

Juyeon didn’t realize the tips of his lips lifted up forming crescent moon reading Changmin’s messages. He tapped the call button wishing Changmin was still awake, he missed him already. Third try but he got no answer. There was something inside him that felt anxious, but Juyeon quickly brushed it off. He trusted Changmin, that boy probably already asleep. So he put down his phone and tried to sleep. He would catch the first flight tomorrow to go home.

* * *

It felt like dejavu when Kevin hugged him, telling him things that he didn’t really want to hear. Something about Changmin. Juyeon casted his gaze to his surrounding, Changmin must be hiding somewhere. Surprising him or something. Today was his birthday afterall.

He started searching in his room, but there were only messy bed and papers on top of it. Bathroom was also empty, so was the kitchen. Where the hell was Changmin?

“Juyeon!” Kevin finally had to shout to get Juyeon back to reality. “Hospital.”

Hospital.

Hospital…

What was he doing there?

Juyeon stood up and left quickly. He couldn’t watch the recording from the camera. Shit, how was he supposed to watch the love of his life, the one he treasured so much being stabbed by some random person?

No one knew what Changmin was doing that late at night wandering around the street, when he was supposed to be home. Sleeping comfortably under his blanket and just waiting for Juyeon to come.

_Fuck, Ji Changmin what did you do?_

Juyeon couldn’t care anymore about what the police saying. They would try to find the suspected murderer since a glimpse of his face caught on cam. Juyeon didn’t care anymore. He just wanted Changmin to come back.

But he didn’t come back. Changmin never came back.

* * *

Never once Juyeon thought that he would be attending a funeral of someone he loved the most. His mind sometimes still playing trick on him, that all of this wasn’t real. It was just a fever dream and he would wake up anytime. Finding Changmin falling asleep beside him. But apparently it wasn’t a dream.

Sleepless nights and lots of tears. It felt suffocating yet empty.

“Why… last time he said he wanted to live, but why?” Juyeon said to Chanhee one day. “He promised to listen to what I say, I promised him a puppy to raise together, but why?”

His friend didn’t answer, because Juyeon didn’t need one. And there was no answer for that.

“Changmin… Changmin didn’t want to die… he wanted to live… Changmin wanted to live…”

It was the first time Chanhee witnessed Juyeon cried that hard, and he witnessed how his friend punched the murderer right on his face at the court. Taking someone’s life because Changmin accidentally caught him doing robbery. The jerk apologized so many times and kept saying he didn’t mean to do it, he got nervous because someone suddenly caught his action and thinking that he could harm him.

Kevin got really mad and shouted right on his face. “If there was someone harming you, trust me it would never be Changmin. It would never be him!”

Chaos ensued. Juyeon left the place, couldn’t bear the ache grasping on his chest. He hated everything, he hated the fact that the world was a scary place to Changmin when the boy just tried to continue with his life.

* * *

Weeks passed and everyone had moved on with their life, or at least trying to. Including Juyeon. He planned to move out from the place where he and Changmin used to live. Because every corner of it reminded him of Changmin. Sometimes he could hear the faint laughter echoing between the walls. Juyeon missed him so much.

A pile of papers on the table that Juyeon didn’t dare to touch, now he carefully looking through it. The poems that Changmin made when he started writing again. One complete poem was at the bottom of the pile, Juyeon took it out and placed it on the surface of the table.

> _What does it feel to live?_
> 
> _Is it hard?_
> 
> _Is it complicated?_
> 
> _Some people found it easy. Sometimes boring._
> 
> _What does it feel to live?_
> 
> _Carrying all of your problems every day, like a bag full of sand._
> 
> _But someone keeps pouring water on it._
> 
> _It feels heavier each day._
> 
> _What does it feel to live?_
> 
> _When someone offers a hand. Many hands._
> 
> _‘Let me help you’, they said._
> 
> _You won’t know if that actually helps. But it’s not lonely anymore._
> 
> _And suddenly, the bag of sand doesn’t feel heavy like before._
> 
> _So, what does it mean to live?_
> 
> _I’m not sure, and also you are._
> 
> _But one thing._
> 
> _To live, it means opening my eyes every day in the morning and knowing that I’m not alone._
> 
> _To live, maybe it’s not that bad._
> 
> _; this piece especially for Lee Juyeon, who keeps me alive. Happy birthday._

One, two, three drops of tears on the paper. Smudging his name written on it. Juyeon couldn’t support himself anymore, he dropped to the ground. No matter how much tears he shed, the wound still freaking hurt. It hurt each passing day.

But at least Changmin wouldn’t feel hurt anymore. Just let him carry all of the pain, not Changmin. Not him. He deserved a peaceful life after the long battle.

Juyeon slowly formed a faint smile.

_You won. You won, Changmin. In the end you are the one winning the battle. You did great, so don’t be too sad. You can only be happy from now on. For nothing can hurt you now._

_Have a good rest, my beloved. Until then._

Fin.


End file.
